it has my stomach in knots.. good.. bad.. i don’t know, i really don’t.. it puts my mind into an instant blur. I read the words and i can’t think straight. I wouldnt want the “person” to think i’m ignoring it but i just don’t know what to say.. i can’t get it out, every word i could use is trapped and i’m sorry.
if it is you, i pray our paths do cross again.
she said goodbye.. for something i did.. “i didn’t do anything” for once i wasn’t wrong but that’s not the way it feels. Its pathetic the way i still love her.. the way she never loves me. I always see the good in people maybe its my downfall. I love to hard and throw regret to the wind but when shit hits the fans it only affects me.. yeah i could be like ever guy and say “if you loved me you wouldn’t do this” but those are just words, i could rebel in malicious anger and slur harsh words but whats the point in that. i just want a friend back but i know that wont be happening.
i’ll probably just stay out of her way, she’ll be happier.. i text her goodmorning everyday when i wake up and call to say goodnight before i go to bed with no answer, its been this way for the past month and i doubt it’ll change but i can’t stop i guess but i don’t think i can tomorrow.. not on her birthday. Everyone tries to help but it doesn’t help. i love her and nothing will change.
yesterday was thanksgiving and i didn’t get to see her. Even though were no longer together i still do love her with every fiber of my being. i wrote her something small entitled “what i’m thankful for” and she was the topic. she told me she was busy earlier and i felt like i would be bothering her if i called her and asked her to drive all the way over here for it. i sat and thought about what i was willing to do. i waited till everyone fell asleep and took the car. the worst that could happen would be a few nights in jail and a $745 ticket for driving without a license/permit or insurance. i arrived at her house around 2 a.m and sat in the car thinking.. why do i still do this.. why do i risk it.. why do i still try..
Love is annoying
but hopefully love is worth it.
if i had to replay everything in my head over that night nothing would change …Because i love her.
i miss picking her up from work just to see her face light up
i miss the way she looked at me with smiling eyes, then with disgust cause im mouthing “i wanna fuck you”
i miss telling her how beautiful she is.
i miss the way she would make me try new food even when she knows i dont like hearing “omg its good trust me just try it”
i miss the way she would whisper in my ear “you want me to sleep over?”
i miss when we would sit in the car and do nothing for hours
i miss the way she would beat me EVERYTIME when we wrestled even though i was really tying to win
i miss the way she would call me every night saying “baby i made it home FYWMP”
i miss the way she would hide her face in the mornings cause id be staring right at her smiling for no reason
i miss going out to get food in the middle of the night and stuffing out faces till we couldn’t move
i miss feeling her smiles through my kisses
i miss how i could be completely myself with her, corny, perverted, kind, caring, harsh, angry.. everything
i miss just sitting there telling her why i loved her.
she was different not because of what she did but because of who she was.
ive cared for this girl for years and that will never stop. i will forever love her.